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Delirium and Debris

Below are the 25 most recent journal entries.

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  2008.10.28  11.12
Yes, I'm Old-Fashioned.

Very excited today! At 4 PM I go for my new triple-tier eyebags.

I've been scrimping and saving for this operation for months, even to the point of curtailing my windsock expenditures. I had to get a second job, as a reglazer of day-old donuts at the "Donut Make You HAPPY" Drive-Through Donut Emporium. You know what my favorite part of the job is?  Taste my hand! It's still sweet, and I finished reglazing six hours ago. Which helps with my food budget. To save money, I pretty much just eat couscous and lick my hand.

I have been having a lot of difficulty with the new fashion, to tell you the truth. With the 2 jobs it's hard to find the time I now have to spend every day penciling in worry lines and eye crinkles, maintaining the grey highlights in my beard, encouraging my ear hairs to grow, putting rheum-drops in my eyes. And sometimes, when I'm in a hurry, I forget to stoop and shamble like I should. I've been wearing dentures, but sometimes they slip, and people see that I'm not actually missing my natural teeth, which is SO embarrassing. Oh, for a pure pink set of plain gums, like the very-very-harridan Milvie Spinkle-Thorpe was seen chortling carelessly through at the Premiere of  "NOUGAT!!!" at Cannes.

The real problem is that it's just not possible for an ordinary person on a fixed budget to keep up with the cutting edge of couture right now. That punk Hoofer Squills can't be a day over 24 years old, but with hundreds of thousands of dollars at his disposal, he suddenly looks like the most fabulously decrepit codger imaginable, almost overnight. I'm no expert, but it looks like he's had his back humped, a total ass removal, distressed knee and hip replacements, rheumatiz injections, and a full face drop. Wanda Limpe-Forque definitely has new wattles, and from her everplunging cleavage, I suspect she's had extensive increased-gravity treatments. You just don't see natural early droopage like that here on Earth. I hear Wiwi Norplebower was actually flown to Jupiter for a month to attain the wondrous haglicious pendulousity that was so prominently on display last month at the Glorioski Awards.

 

And the clothes! The price of Sans-A-Belt polyester slacks has skyrocketed. Housecoats, gravy-stained tweed jackets, sock garters, big white underpants, scuffed loafers, dingy askew wigs and unblocked fedoras are flying off the racks. Bags of cat hair and lint to roll in before you go out to dinner cost like $40, and you only get like an ounce per bag, barely three applications.

 

I have to shave thrice daily or I get stubble where my male-pattern baldness should be. And there’s no way for me to make my knuckles as knobby as I’d like to, although I can inexpensively accent my hand (and ankle!) veins with an ordinary blue ball-point pen. Check out this stance though: I’m proud of this. I have almost perfected my spinal S-Curve, and my chest grows more concave daily. Here’s my secret: I’ve been sleeping every night in the clothes dryer with a bowling-ball on my chest.

 

I hear noted FauxGeezer Horbert Morton had a murder of real crows paid to squat on his face for two months to acquire his lauded crow’s-feet. You know how much a whole murder of crows costs? I can barely afford a mugging of crows.

 

If I had to say which of the celebrities I personally find most stunning recently, I have to give it up to Miss Sophia Pemberly as the hottest prematurely geriatric starlet of the year. Her chin hair implants, the constellations of liver spots on her shriveled chest, the deflated and crepey biceps and buttocks, the cracked and puckered sphincter of her lips, the hook of her nose, the way her eyelids drape suggestively over her glittery little eyes, the dandruff, that sexy totter. That babe is a Stone-Cold Crone. I’m slightly engorged just thinking about it, which reminds me,  I gotta go take my Erectile Dysfunction pill. Nothing blows the look like an erection in your Sans-A-Belt Polyester Slacks.    







 
 


 
  2008.10.09  07.01
....Except for the Epilogue.

 

Epilogue )



 
 


 
  2008.10.09  06.58
Piggleyland: Chapter 13 is THE END

 

THE END )



 
 


 
  2008.10.09  06.55
Piggleyland: Chapter 12

Episode XXXIV )



 
 


 
  2008.10.09  06.49
Piggleyland: Chapter 11

 

 

Episode XXXIII )

 
 


 
  2008.10.09  06.30
The darkest secret of Piggleyland

 

Episode XXXII )

 

 

 

 



 
 


 
  2008.10.09  06.25
It's almost over, but this is going to hurt a little: Piggleyland

 

Episode XXXI )



 
 


 
  2008.10.06  11.29
(PGLYLND)

Chapter 10: A Giant Albino Alligator, for one thing

 

Episode XXX (that makes it sound naughty) )

 





 
 


 
  2008.10.03  11.26
PIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGLLLLLLEEEEEYYYYYYYYLLLLAAAAANNNNDDDD

 

Episode XXIX )

 

 

 

 



 
 


 
  2008.09.25  14.08
Piggleyland: Now halfway done, and gaining speed downhill.

This week: a Speech from the Department of Homeland Security.

 

Episode XXVIII )

 





 
 


 
  2008.09.19  13.41
Chapter 8 of Piggleyland begins.

 This Week: featuring Nazi Clowns.

 

episode XXVII )





 
 


 
  2008.09.12  08.46
Piggleyland: All is not well at home, either.

The Plot is to twist at this point!

    

Episode XXVI )

 

 

 





 
 


 
  2008.09.09  10.44
Piggleyland plunges to new depths of squalor.

The Safari Luau! And a dance sequence!

 

Read more...Episode XXV )

 





 
 


 
  2008.09.05  11.18
Piggleyland; The Lost Lagoon

 

Episode XXIV ends chapter 6, begins chapter 7 )



 
 


 
  2008.08.28  09.36
PIGGLEYLAND Bigger, Faster and Weirder yet.

Things are heating up at the Conference/Fiesta. Check out the Hobo Kwisine!

  


 

 
 


 
  2008.08.18  14.41
it's Pigg Pigg Piggley, Piggleyland!

This weeks installment: Vampirella's Job, in case you were wondering...



 
 


 
  2008.08.14  13.03
OH MY GOD WILL IT EVER END...(not soon) Piggleyland

Yes, it's a novel. It's not, like, a giant huge monstrous overwhelmingly large novel, but it absolutely meets the basic over 50,000 words prerequisite so don't expect me to shut up about Piggleyland for a couple few months at least. I'm honestly sorry.

    

 




 
 


 
  2008.08.06  08.04
PIGG...oh, you know.

OK, so, a mere 20 episodes in, and now we will begin to approach the titular phenomenon: PIGGLEYLAND.

I'm so excited!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!




 
 


 
  2008.08.04  12.36
If you say "Piggleyland" 3 times into a mirror you see a bloody pig, I hear.



 
 


 
  2008.07.30  12.21
BACK TO PIGGLEYLAND!

The Ice Cream Indulgences! Hotel and Resort is herein described.

 



 
 


 
  2008.07.11  11.38
re:Piggleyland

I'd just like to point out that 17 episodes means I'm halfway to 34 episodes. I may take a week or two off to soak my head.

 
 


 
  2008.07.11  09.39
Piggleyland: today featuring Alligator Al's Central Florida Fun Compound

EPISODE XVII )



 
 


 
  2008.07.07  08.57
Sound ye horns, Varlets! TAN-TARAAA-TARAAAAA! !! (piggleyland)

Thanks for attending: You look magnificent today. In today's episode, our winsome protagonist "Fang" avoids unusually intrusive scrutiny by Homeland Security during an absolutely average modern airport experience. At length, an arrival is effected in Orlando.

 

 



 
 


 
  2008.06.30  13.35
Piggleyland OH MY GOD NOT MORE PIGGLEYLAND

..."Meat" Mincely takes Fang to the Airport

 
 


 
  2008.06.24  08.08
Piggleyland: Fang VS Cops; advantage: Fang

 



 
 


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