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Delirium and Debris

Below are the 25 most recent journal entries.

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  2008.07.11  11.38
re:Piggleyland

I'd just like to point out that 17 episodes means I'm halfway to 34 episodes. I may take a week or two off to soak my head.

  
 


 
  2008.07.11  09.39
Piggleyland: today featuring Alligator Al's Central Florida Fun Compound

( EPISODE XVII )



  
 


 
  2008.07.07  08.57
Sound ye horns, Varlets! TAN-TARAAA-TARAAAAA! !! (piggleyland)

Thanks for attending: You look magnificent today. In today's episode, our winsome protagonist "Fang" avoids unusually intrusive scrutiny by Homeland Security during an absolutely average modern airport experience. At length, an arrival is effected in Orlando.

 

 



  
 


 
  2008.06.30  13.35
Piggleyland OH MY GOD NOT MORE PIGGLEYLAND

..."Meat" Mincely takes Fang to the Airport

  
 


 
  2008.06.24  08.08
Piggleyland: Fang VS Cops; advantage: Fang

 



  
 


 
  2008.06.12  13.37
PpiGgGgLlEeYyLlAaNnDd



  
 


 
  2008.06.12  13.30
PIGG... oh, you know.



  
 


 
  2008.06.04  10.34
And Now: 3 Jokes.


                               1.

Q: Why can't Mice find Doctors?

A: Because so few of them make mouse calls.


                                2.

Q: Why couldn't the crocodile admit he ate Cleopatra?

A. Because he was in denial.


                               3.

 Q: Why don't pigs go downtown?

A: It's too hard to find a porking space.

*
*
Did someone say PIGS?

so much for the clean jokes.

 






 

  
 


 
  2008.05.30  08.46
Piggleyland: Chapter 4 Begins

( Episode X )



  
 


 
  2008.05.29  14.48
Piggleyland continues. STOP HOLDING YOUR BREATH.



  
 


 
  2008.05.27  08.34
Episode VIII: The Pelicans ATTACK

 



  
 


 
  2008.05.27  08.16
Episode VII: Ordering Takeout Tubbles from the Family Tub


(A tip for proper pronunciation WHILE READING of character name of "Juanet:" It is to rhyme with the Janet, but starts with a WAAAAH.)

    





 
 


 
  2008.05.23  08.50
Episode VI


Piggleyland: today's episode features an excerpt of the script of the wretched movie, and a most perilous incident at Niagara Falls





  
 


 
  2008.05.22  09.56
Piggleyland: Chapter 2 begins



  
 


 
  2008.05.21  08.48
time out for a Poem, then Episode IV of PIGGLEYLAND

I have a favorite TV show, I keep it in a pouch,

My very favorite TV show is FAT ASS ON COUCH

My mother doesn’t like it much, she really is a grouch

I wish that she could see the joy of FAT ASS ON COUCH

And when I’ve finished watching I can neither stand nor crouch,

Because I’ve been immobilized by FAT ASS ON COUCH

My gyre’s surely widening, to Bethlehem I slouch

‘Cause all that I will gimble on is FAT ASS ON COUCH

I will further add endorsement, I will sit right here and vouch

For the bliss of eating nougat, watching  FAT ASS ON COUCH! 


 

 



  
 


 
  2008.05.20  09.28
Piggleyland: It gets worse

 



  
 


 
  2008.05.15  17.59
Piggleyland: a novel, in little teeny pieces.

 

   

 
 


 
  2008.05.14  11.22
Piggleyland: copyright 2008 Nitro von Borax: offered in spasmodic installments.

( Episode 1 )



  
 


 
  2007.01.29  09.25
Mr. Dirk Garvin's friend Edgar Von

Attention:Nitro Von Borax,
This is to acknowledge the receipt of your e-mail, and to confirm the validity of the winning notification. 
You have been approved to receive the sum of 1,000,000.00 (ONE MILLION EUROS), as the new winner
of our last Lottery.
However, your funds are presently Lodged in the Escrow  Account  of the Central Bank of The Netherlands,
and for you to recieve your winning, you are to open a new account with our Bank, so that your funds can
be transferred from the Central Bank's Account into an operational account you will open with us,for onward transfer into your choice of account in your country. For now,your funds will remain in the Automated Suspense account pending when we collect clearance from The Netherlands Gaming Board on your behalf,
and you open a normal account with us to receive your funds from the Escrow  Account of the Central Bank.
NOTE: Funds in a suspense account can neither be transferred nor deducted from until the holding bank (Laagste Bank in this instance) formally open a normal account for the funds beneficiary to receive it. After then, the funds can then be remitted to the beneficiary of the new account. These measures are standard
financial regulations by European Central Bank (ECB) since the commencement of the global fight against terrorism and the enactment of the new anti-money laundry acts.
 
WE HAVE TWO TYPES OF  (ACCOUNTS) : the 'Premium Savings account' and the Premium Current account'. With the Premium Savings Account you can transfer any amount from $100.00 - $100,000.00(One Hundred USDollar - One hundred thousand USDollars) per week, while the Premium Current Account will allow you
transfer as much as $101,000.00 - $1,000,000.00 (One Hundred and One Thousand Dollars - One Million Dollars) per week. 
 
Note: You must open one of these accounts to facilitate the transfer of your funds from the central bank's automated suspense account for onward remittance to your account in your country.
To proceed with this transaction therefore, you need to inform us of your choice of account so that we can furnish you with the basic requirements: Minimum Initial Deposit and the processing fees needed for the release of your funds from the Central Bank of The Netherlands. Also, we will send you the account
opening forms/funds release orders, to fill and return to us within the next 24hrs.
We look forward to an enduring banking relationship with you.

Yours faithfully,
Edgar Von.
www.laagstehypotheekofferte.nl
Phone :( +3162) 6465225.
Fax    :(+3184) 725 0512

Reply

Dear Edgar Von:
 
Thanx again! I am so happy to be hearing of this fabulous sum of money from you and Dirk and Blijke!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!I can almost taste them euros. I am HONGARY for MONEY and IT MAKES ME NOT THINK CLEARLY so don't take advantage of me Edgar because I'd buy you Shirley Temples and fancy gherkins all night when you're dangling those bangles before my besotted eyes. 
 
I need money, although I do have Ninety Six Million Dollars. I don't like to touch my principal because it's the first Ninety Six Million Dollars I ever made. I'm sentimental.
 
Edgar, I find it somewhat ironic to have have so much funds Lodged in the Escrow of the Nethers, whereas my funds here run quickly through my system and are summarily flushed... so I understand we have to open an account to loosen the blockage, WOW this metaphor is really grossing me out. I must beg to apologise for that. As a rich man, I try to curtail such gross and vulgar displays which are common among common people such as myself who was born in a Gas Station near the Beef Jerky. I shall henceforthwith live in a rarified atmosphere and think of nothing, nothing but sunshine trickling through marmelade.
 
I know hard work, and I prefer to get my money the other way. I worked my way up from being Vomit Boy at the Carnival, shlepping my mop and bucket from the Hoist 'n' Hurl to the Vortiswirl. I ate nothing but hairy corndogs and tainted lemonade for nine years while saving nickels in a hollow tree until I managed to buy the land to start my own humble rustic Church/massage parlour and its been happy endings and genuflection ever since, Hallelujah! 
 
So please move forthwith to facilitate my account. And lets all meet in Reykjavik for hot cocoa when all this is done. You and me and Dirk and Blijke. It'll be my treat.
 
Fire all of your guns at once and explode into space,
 
Nitro von Borax.


  
 


 
  2007.01.25  12.16
Mr. Dirk Garvin

Sir/Madam,
 
CONGRATULATIONS: YOUR EMAIL I.D WON 1,000,000.00  EUROS.
 
We are pleased to inform you of the result of Euro Millions, which was held on the 15th, December 2006. Your e-mail address attached to e-ticket number: 05-32-44-45-50 (01-07) , with Prize Number : 106000007 drew a prize of  1,000, 000.00 (One Million Euros). This lucky draw came first in the 2nd Category of the Sweepstake.
You will receive the sum of 1,000,000.00 (One Million Euros) from our authorized bank. Because of some mix-up with sweepstake prizes, including the time limited placed on the payment of your prize: 1,000,000.00 Euros, we advice that you keep all information about this prize confidential until your funds: 1,000, 000.00 Euros have been transferred to you by our bank. You must adhere to this instruction, strictly, to avoid any delay with the release of your funds to your person. This program has been abused severally in past, so we are doing our best to forestall further occurrence of false claims.
This sweepstake was conducted under the watchful eyes of 8,000 spectators. Your e-mail address attached to e-ticket number 05-32-44-45-50 (01-07) was selected and; it came out first by an e-ballot draw from over 250,000 e-mail addresses (personal and corporate e-mail addresses). This program is sponsored by CFI to compensate faithful internet suffers around the globe. Congratulations for becoming one of the few lucky winners.
 With your permission, your e-mail will also be included in the next sweepstake of 5 Million Euros. You must claim your prize:  1,000,000.00 Euros not later than 7-days from the moment you receive this e-mail. In order to avoid unnecessary delays with your claim from the bank; please contact them immediately, and quote your winning and personal information now, and in all your correspondence with the bank.
 
Here is the contact information:
 
Bank: Laagste Heypotheekofferte Bank. N.L.
Attention: Dirk Garvin.
Karspeldreef 6A, 1101 CJ, Amsterdam, Netherlands.
E-mail: lagstebanknl@maktoob.com
           lagstbknl @aim.com
Telephone:  +31626 345 715.
Fax           :  (+3184) 7 279 584.
 
Furnish them with the following:
(i). YOUR NAME(S),
(ii) YOUR TELEPHONE AND FAX NUMBERS
(iii) YOUR TICKET NUMBER
(iv)AMOUNT WON
(v) COUNTRY

Yours faithfully
Blijke Johanna Diedrich (Ms.)
Promotions Manager Euro Millions.

Reply:

Dear Dirk Garvin:
 
Hey Dirk! so Blijke tells me to tell you I got some money that what was won from my email and oh i am so lucky. Like, just last week I was walking down the street and this guy says to me you know Jenny and I says yes cause my mortician's name is Jenny and he said then here's a loaf of Wonderbread and some Jif and Grape Jelly. Do you have Jif in Hamsterdamn? Or Wonderbread? I'm sure you have Grape Jelly as I understand Prostitution is legal there. So I says why the stuff and this guy who asked if I knew Jenny says Jenny's my wife have some sammiches, motherfucker. And then he punches me in the face, but when he runs off HE TOTALLY FOGOT THE JIF AND GRAPE JELLY AND WONDERBREAD, and so I ate lots of sammiches over the next few days, and that is a nother way in which I was lucky just recent. 
 
But not so lucky as this magic day Dirk. One Million Euros is enoough money for me to finally fulfill my dream
 of owning a little Greek chalet covered with grape vines and olives in Pittsburgh. Oh zephyr of happiness that wafts it's etruscent breeezes fortitously thus and so.
 
Hey! I just only now got the whole "Knuckle Sammich" joke which I think that guy what had wife Jenny was implying when he gave me the stuff for the other sammihes. That's funny. Do you have the expression "Knuckle Sammich" In the Neitherlands?
 
Here's the dirt, Dirk:
 
i). YOUR NAME(S), Nitro von Borax
(ii) YOUR TELEPHONE AND FAX NUMBERS Phone: Fax: 734-XXXXX
(iii) YOUR TICKET NUMBER 05-32-44-45-50 (01-07)
(iv)AMOUNT WON 1,000,000.00 (One Million Euros)
(v) COUNTRY USA
please feel free to just fax the euros over. I'll put a lot of paper in my fax machine.
 
In sense and peppermints,
 
Nitro von Borax



  
 


 
  2006.06.16  12.19
Oh my goodness what a day

Boy, just when I thought it couldn't get any worse today, I find that one of the red modules on the porky  viscous puddle is turning positively chartruese with the clam-tremors. Does anyone know which unguent I should apply?

Then, the Vice President calls over the intercom to bawl me out over Monica's performance on the electric whale. Like that was my fault.  I must have told Monica a million times that it was all about maintaining traction, and what does she wear? NOTHING BUT BUTTER.

I got Skeech to take my shift on the fragrant pod press, that bastard.. . had to promise him that I'd take next Wednesday's Palpitation/Penetration Preservation Presentation. I wouldn't mind, if it weren't for Mr. Wimbles and his loathesome toupee. I hate working for that Man's toupee. There's so little to show for it.

Would write more, but I don't hear any yodeling in the warehouse, and that means trouble.

  
 


 
  2006.06.16  08.00
Oh what a day

Oh, Jeez, it's only like 9:34 in the Morning, and already my job is impossible.

 The brownish retangular things that come out of Service Tube C46 are crisped around the input valves. 
My boss is complaining that the interactivity of our teambuilding festival lacked a physical sense of warmth and synchronetic progression. He also claims that we can further  whittle the nodules on the pulpy greenish things, and I feel that that will compromise the  stickiness. He's trying to cut corners, and I keep telling him that the pulpy greenish things don't have corners.
Yesterday this client called me up to say that his Welber went out.

 And that's nothing, compared to my staffing problems. I have two insufficiently-trained Plungers working on a machine built for three. I can only guess what that's going to do to their cartilage.

  
 


 
  2006.05.19  15.17
Lottery Reply: The return of Mar Yam Van Duke

FROM: GLOBAL SWEEPTAKES MEGALOTERIA ANNUAL LOTTERY PROMOTIONS.
                    WINNING NOTIFICATION FOR CATEGORY "A" WINNER.

Dear Lucky Winner,

RE: GLOBAL SWEEPTAKES MEGALOTERIA PRIZE AWARDS WINNING NOTIFICATION!

We are pleased to inform you of the result of the just concluded annual
Final draws of global sweeptakes megaloteria Lottery Programs held on the
9th May 2006.

METHOD OF SELECTING WINNERS:
Participants were selected anonymously through online cyber ballot system
(Computer Ballot) from over 35,000 companies and 70,000 individual names
and e-mail addresses all over the world. At the final draw your e-mail
address emerged as the winner of our last jackpot.

This promotional program takes place annually as the year starts, and it is
promoted and sponsored by Orient software corporation (Orient Networks).
It is meant to reward some individuals and corporations who have devoted
their time and resources surfing the World Wide Web (www) .No tickets were
sold.

After this automated computer ballot, your e-mail address emerged as the
winner in the category "A" with the following:

Ref Number: 5567/113-0078/GNL
Batch Number: 1881645-GNL/2006
Ticket Number: 9007-1809
Draw Lucky Numbers: 22100-15-007

You have therefore been approved for a lump sum pay out of
$ 1,500,000.00 (ONE MILLION FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND U.S DOLLARS),
Congratulation!

Your prize award has been insured with your e-mail address and will be
transferred to you upon meeting our requirements, statutory obligations,
verifications, validations and satisfactory report.

To begin the claim processing of your prize winnings, you are advised to
contact our licensed and accredited claim agent for category "A" winner
with the information's below:

Mr.Albert Grissom
Director Of Operations,
Hartland Trust And Finance Agency.
117  Bijlmerplein,1104 MG, Amsterdam,The Netherlands.

E-mail: hartlandagency@netscape.net

TEL: 0031 644 891 828

FAX: 0031 847 104 105

NOTE: All winnings must be claimed not later than the 20th of May
2006. After this date all unclaimed funds would be included in the next
stake. Remember to quote your reference information in all correspondence.

Due to mix up of some numbers and names/programme abuse, we ask that you
keep your winning information confidential until your claim has been
processed and your money remitted to you. This is part of our security
protocol to avoid double claiming and unwarranted abuse of this program by
some participants.

Anybody under the age of 18 and members of the affiliate agencies are
automatically not allowed to participate in this program.

Furthermore, should there be any change of address do inform our agent as
soon as possible.

Congratulations once more from our members of staff and thank you for being
part of our promotional program.


Yours faithfully,

Mrs. Mar yam Van Duke.

Lottery Coordinator.

REPLY:

Dear Mr. Albert Grissom:
 
Look, that's nice about the lottery and everything, but money is of no real importance to me.
 
Love, Mr. Grissom. Love is all that matters in this cold and harsh World, and I have none. Alone I am , alone have I been for five long bleak years, since my girl left me. My girl, whose name BY THE GLORY OF GOD anoints the bottom of the email to which I am replying: MAR YAM VAN DUKE. My girl was MAR YAM VAN DUKE, Mr. Grissom, and I haven't seen her since the day she left me standing stunned by her angry retort and left hook in that seedy cocktail lounge in Mozambique. When I regained my senses I tried to catch her in the parking lot, but my trousers fell around my ankles as I attempted to negotiate the revolving door, then my toupee was ignited by my Flaming Chartreuse Cocktail, and by the time I made it outside she was gone, GONE leaving me in this swirling nuclear wasteland of vampire viciousness and despair that is life without my little yummy yammy. And I knew not whereto she had flown until GOD MADE ME WIN YOUR LOTTERY.
 
Do you work closely with Mar Yam, Mr. Grissom? Do you hear the swish of her nylon-clad inner thighs as she saunters to the water cooler? Do you see the way her haircolour changes with the seasons: brunette, blonde, red, plaid? Do you smell the exotic fragrance of Attar of Araby wafting from her long, white, supple throat? Do you feel the electricity of her touch as she hands you the Finkelstein Memo? Do you work under Mar Yam, Albert? By which I mean YOU'RE SLEEPING WITH HER AREN'T YOU YOU SON OF A  BITCH. God will not allow that. Back off, Albert.
 
 Only I am equipped to satisfy Mar Yam Van Dukes' unholy appetites. I have all the hats. I have the extra nipple. I raise Llamas. I have the Zamboni. I can fall down a flight of stairs while whistling. I like Kipling. Do you like Kipling, Mr. Albert Grissom? Do you even KNOW how to Kipple? YOU'RE PATHETIC.
 
No! I'm sorry- that's too harsh. Look, could you talk to Mar Yam for me, Albert? I've left 3,876 messages on her answering machine, so let her know it must not be working because she never calls back. Tell her I'm sorry about the feather transplant. I thought she'd find me more attractive with colourful feathers. Tell her I've moulted.  And tell her I'm sorry about the gravy. Oh, Christ, no. You'd better not mention the gravy. OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HOW I NEED THAT WOMAN'S HOT LOVING BRING HER BACK TO ME ALBERT.
 
I think she was also mad at me because I'd slept with her cousin, "Butters" Van Duke, years before. But that was all over! Mar Yam was the only Van Duke for me. "Butters" was nice, but I can't take a girl seriously who wears lederhosen. I mean,sure, I might DATE a girl in lederhosen, but I couldn't MARRY a girl in lederhosen. Would you, Mr. Albert Grissom? Could you bring a girl in lederhosen home to meet your Grissom parents? I could set you up with "Butters," Mr. Albert Grissom, if that's the way you swing.
 
YOU ARE THE INSTRUMENT OF GOD TO LEAD ME BACK TO MY MAR YAM. DO NOT BETRAY GODS TRUST FOR THEN YOU SURELY WILL DIE A THOUSAND TIMES.
 
And I suppose you might as well send me the entirely inconsequential $ 1,500,000.00 (ONE MILLION FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND U.S DOLLARS), so I can afford to take Mar Yam out to dinner at our favourite restaurant, Cap'n Salty's Family Tub, where the whole family can enjoy tub-style corn 'n' fixins. The money isn't important though. I would gladly forfeit the money for a single glimpse of Mar Yam's left knee. Not the right knee, because (between the two of us) I think the Yogi Bear Tattoo was a mistake.  
 
Her very name is like ethereal poetry, Mr. Grissom: Mar; short for Margarine, did you know that? Because of what she does with the margarine OH GOD YES Not to mention the Yam.
 
YOU'D BETTER NOT BE SHTUPPING HER RIGHT NOW, GRISSOM.
 
Please tell her I love her. Please tell her I need her. Please tell her I'm never going to bring the gravy again. No, wait. don't mention the gravy.
 
PRAISE BE TO JESUS FOR YOUR ASSISTANCE IN THIS MATTER. DON'T MAKE JESUS CONSUME YOU WITH GNASHING ANGRY TEETH BRING MY MAR YAM BACK TO ME MR. ALBERT GRISSOM. 
 
My love is vengeance that's never free,
 
Nitro (Yam) von Borax


  
 


 
  2006.05.17  09.27
Nigeri- oh, you know.

Mr. Stewart Brown
Fax: +27-11-507-5168
Email: stewartbrownn@netscape.net

Attention: President/CEO

I am Mr. Stewart Brown. The Financial Advisor and property management to Mr. Yu Zhendong the former head of Bank of China's Kaiping. I have urgent and very confidential business proposition for you. In October, 2001, a colleague/client of mine Mr. Yu Zhendong came to South Africa and made a fixed deposit valued at US$18,500,000.00 (Eighteen Million Five Hundred Thousand United States Dollars) with ABSA BANK SOUTH AFRICA.

However, Mr. Yu Zhendong and two other staff of Bank of China was declared wanted by Chinese Government, because of $480,000,000.00 (Four Hundred and Eighty Million United States Dollars) that was stolen by the three of them from Bank of China. You may use these links for some information:

http://www.businessweek.com/magazine/content/02_05/b3768065.htm
http://www.guardian.co.uk/china/story/0,7369,1193752,00.html
http://www.buzzle.com/editorials/4-16-2004-53043.asp
http://news.xinhuanet.com/english/2006-02/08/content_4151433_1.htm
http://news.xinhuanet.com/english/2006-02/08/content_4151433.htm
http://caijing.hexun.com/english/detail.aspx?issue=140&sl=2482&id=1294725

This sum of US$18,500,000.00 is still sitting with ABSA BANK SOUTH AFRICA here and no one will ever come forward to claim it; because I am the only person that knows about the deposit with the bank and my colleague/client has been sent to a long term jail.

I am contacting you to assist in repatriating the money and property left behind by my colleague/client before they get confiscated or declared unserviceable by ABSA BANK SOUTH AFRICA where this huge deposit were lodged. This is the bank  where my colleague/client had deposited this money valued at US$18,500,000.00.

Consequently, the bank issued me a notice to provide the owner/next of kin or have the deposit confiscated within the next fourteen official working days because of the long time deposit. Now I seek your consent to present you as the owner/next of kin to my colleague/client since you are not his relative so that the proceeds of this deposit with the bank valued at US$18,500,000.00 can be paid to you and then you and I can share the money.

However, I would like to add here that upon your acceptance to assist me in this deal, you will be rewarded with 35% of the total sum for your honest assistance and co-operation, 5% for any expenses that may come up during the transfer while 60% remain for me. I intend to complete this deal within a few days from the date of receipt of the following information from you:

1) Your Name,
2) Company Name,
3) Address,
4) Telephone and fax numbers.

I have all necessary legal documents that can be used to back up the claim we may make from the bank. All I require is your honest cooperation to enable me seeing this deal through. I guarantee that this will be executed under a legitimate arrangement that will protect you from any breach of the law and this deal is 100% risk free.

Please get in touch with me to enable us discuss further and send me your fax and telephone numbers.

Best regards,
Mr. Stewart Brown.

NOTE: Please do not reply to this email for security reasons. Contact me by Fax or my private Email: stewartbrownn@netscape.net

REPLY: 
Sent: Wednesday, May 17, 2006 9:25 AM
Subject: re: your proposition

Dear Mr. Stewart Brown
 
Well, as a regular Joe from the cornfed Midwest of America, I surely am impressed at your ability to find me from the other side of the World, and offer me 35% of  US$18,500,000.00 (Eighteen Million Five Hundred Thousand United States Dollars) . That's really neat!
 
These days I rarely get a chance to get farther than Toledo, Ohio, so your email is all evocative for me. Wow, China, with the Great Wall and the pandas and sweatshops and everything.  Wow, South Africa, with the Nelson Mandela and Paul Simon and all of that. Often do I wish for elephants around here. And large predatory animals. I've read a lot of Edgar Rice Burroughs and have often dreamed of going feral in the jungle, wrestling fluffy lions with a plucky chimp for my best friend. Then there's a part where I rescue this blonde socialite on safari from a rampaging pack of small but fierce wild boars. She's wearing jodhpurs, and then...but never mind. 
 
So, I guess what concerns me most about your otherwise excellent and realistic proposition is this Yu Zhendong character. He'll be 53 when he gets out of prison in China in 12 years, and whats' to keep him from coming after us, Mr. Stewart Brown?  After all, around Michigan in the USA  US$18,500,000.00 (Eighteen Million Five Hundred Thousand United States Dollars) is not what we call chicken feed, and I suspect the same is true in Guangdong Province.
 
Even 35% of  US$18,500,000.00 (Eighteen Million Five Hundred Thousand United States Dollars) is enough of the long green to inspire a desperate individual to disguise themselves as an old lady, rappel over the 15 foot-wall of my palatial new estate, cut an old-lady-shaped hole in my sliding glass patio door for entry and pour a basket of vipers over my head as I lay helpless, asleep.
 
 You, as his former Financial Advisor and property management, (by the way, you ARE property management? You EMBODY property management in some capacity? What's that about?) you,  I think, he'd want to take his time with. I shudder on your behalf, Mr. Stewart Brown.
 
Now, you ask, do I dare risk this? Sure. I have many enemies already. Black Pete McGillicuddy, "Flaming" Jorge Diego Arturo Fernando Snyder, Captain Harshly, "Ham" Glazier, and Charles Nelson Reilly, to name a few. But I confront you, thus: are YOU truly prepared to live a life of subterfuge, Mr. Stewart Brown? It's not for everyone. You have to keep a false moustache in your vest pocket at all times. You have to have a dartgun that looks like a nosehair timmer. You have to be able to speak with a convincing Italian accent, like Chico Marx.
 
Think it over. Take a long, hard look in the mirror and decide if you really want to do this thing. Because as President of the Largest Pigfat Rendering Plant in Southeastern Michigan, when I commit, I'm commited 327%. So if I say I'll do something, I'll actually do it three times, and then I'll do it a little less than a third more. That's why they call me 327% von Borax. AND I'M GODDAMNED READY TO RIDE THIS MOTHER ALL THE WAY DOWN TO HELL for that 35% of  US$18,500,000.00 (Eighteen Million Five Hundred Thousand United States Dollars). Are you ready?  Or are you kind of a Nancy-Boy, Stewart? Do you wear Pink Lacy Knickers? Do you weep easily? Do you collect doilies and "Precious Moments" figurines? Don't take it the wrong way. I'm just asking.
 
Let's Tango!
 
Nitro von Borax 
Pulchritudinous Pigfat Rendererers, Inc.
1134 Blinding Mope, Hamtramck, MI 48212
Tel: 9
Fax: 97



  
 


 
  2006.05.16  09.15
Nigerian Transfer Reply: Mrs Monica Wiliam

From: Mrs. Monica William

PLEASE ENDEAVOUR TO USED IT FOR THE CHILDREN OF GOD.

I am the above named person from Kuwait. I am married to Dr.Harry William who worked with Kuwait embassy in Ivory Coast for nine years before he died in the year 2004.We were married for eleven years without a child. He died after a brief illness that lasted for only four days. Before his death we were both born again Christians.Since his death I decided not to re-marry  or get a child outside my  matrimonial home which the Bible is against.When my late husband was alive he deposited the sum of 10Million Dollars (Ten Million United State Dollars) with one finance/security company in Amsterderm-Netherlands.

Presently, This money is still with the Security Company. Recently, my Doctor told me that I would not last for the next three months due to cancer problem. Though what disturbs me most is my  stroke sickness. Having known my condition I decided to donate this Fund to church or better still a christian individual that will utilize this money the way I am going to instruct here in. I want a church that will use this funds to fund churches,orphanages and widows propagating the word of God and to ensure  that the house of God is maintained. The Bible made us to understand that Blessed is the hand that giveth.

 I took this decision because I don't have any child that will inherit this money and my husband relatives are not Christians and I don't want my husband's hard earned money to be misused by unbelievers. I don't want a situation where this money will be used in an ungodly manner.

Hence the reason for taking this bold decision. I am not afraid of death hence I know where I am going. I  know that I am going to be in the bosom of the Lord. Exodus 14 VS 14 says that  the lord will fight my case and I shall hold my peace. I don't need any telephone communication in this regard because of my health and because of the presence of my husband's relatives around me always. I don't want them to know about this development.
 
With God all things are possible.  As soon as I receive your reply I shall give you the contact of the Finance/Security Company in Amsterderm-Netherlands. I will also issue you a letter of authority that will prove you as the original- beneficiary of this Funds. I want you and the church to always pray for me because the lord is my shephard. My  happiness is that I lived a life of a worthy Christian. Whoever that wants to serve the Lord must serve him in spirit and truth. Please always be prayerful all through your life. Any delay  in your reply will give me room in sourcing for a church or christian individual for this same purpose. Please assure me that you will act accordingly as I stated herein. 
Hoping to hearing from you.
 
Reply:

My Darling Monica,
 
What Heavenly Ordainment of Fortune grinned down upon you to have contacted me, of all worthy causes in this World of Weird Expensive Horrors which Require Investment of Time and Money and the LOVE OF GOD?!?!?!?!
 
As Minister of the First Church of the Pulchritudinous Borax, I have lived a life of relative asperity, that I may give all to the poor and needy and dispossessed and drunken and lewd. I have forsworn that second Honey-Glazed Partridge at luncheon, that I may buy umbrellas for moist Widows, who cannot afford umbrellage of their own. I wear nothing under my vestments but the oils the Nun anoints me with, that I may spend my lingerie money on fresh Pineapples for Queer Mr. Quincy, who lives alone in a Quartered Quonset.  That Nun doth also cutteth my long flowing locks of gorgeous hair with a sharp rock, that I may save moolah to buy moustache wax for the Locally Zoo'd Walruses-GOD'S OWN CREATURES-JUST LIKE YOU AND ME-(although, hopefully, my darling Monica, you do not RESEMBLE a walrus as closely as I do)- And even do I give unto the lowly insects, for it has long been my habit to afford a daily spoonful of sugar to the hardworking carpenter ants that inhabit the altar- thugh I should dearly love to eat that sugar myself, maybe baked in a tasty little cupcake with pink frosting and sprinkles, or simply sprinkled upon the bosoms of the Nun. Yum!
 
SO you need not fear that your CHRISTIAN CHARITY will be besmirched and bewasted: for with your 10 Million Dollars, I will be able to dedicate the Church to its ultimate purpose: CLEANSING FIRE. There is so much that needs burning here in America: Rubbermaid Lawn Furniture, Hot Pockets, Travis Tritt CDS, Lincoln Navigators, the NSA, the Cellphones of Girls With Long Sweaters, Sans-a-Belt Polyester Pants, Leaf Blowers, Jet-Skis, FOX "News", and of course, our flags. I will build a giant stove in Pittsburgh, and heat a ginormous orphanage with it, and feed the orphans marshmallows and weiners that they can roast themselves over the scorchy detrius of this decadent America.
 
My stove (which I will call the Mrs. Monica William Memorial Stove, with your Prehumous Permission)  will be so big that it will heat all of Pennsylvania and Ohio, and speed up the Global Warming process so that It's less chilly for the poor, and even for me, for I would dearly love to shed even these vestments and frolic naked in a new Eden, probably located somewhere near Akron.
 
Oh! Sorry about your husband dying, and you being about to die and everything. That kind of sucks, even when you know that you're going to go sit upon the knee of God, and play horsie there. For in that sleep of death, what dreams may come, without the mortal coil and all? How can we be sure? Personally, I hedge my bets a little. Besides all the Super Christian Praying and Genuflecting,  I drop off the occasional plate of gulab jamun to Krishna of the Hindus, I skip mindfully down the eightfold path of the Buddha,  I sacrifice the occasional mackerel to Astaroth, I sent Tom Cruise 5 bucks, and I'm pleased to say that I just had my Bar Mitzvah. L'CHAIM! 
 
But I'm mostly Christian. Unless that all turns out to be a scam of some sort.
 
So, what do you need now? Are there any Transfer Fees, or Shipping Charges, or Lumbrage Tariffs, or anything? I will work with you on this quick like a bunny, dear Monica, lest you suddenly croak before I can lay my sticky paws on the samoleons.
 
Parsley, Sage, Rosemary and Thyme!
 
~Rev. Nitro von Borax
 




  
 


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